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Oh hi.
Welcome to Academia.
Let's take a quick look around.
One of oldest and most famous cities in Academia is called philosophy.
Most of the people there spend their time writing papers, going to conferences, or ending
up as baristas.
That was a joke obviously.
No one in philosophy gets invited to conferences.
Now, if you head east across unemployable mountain, you eventually get to Physics and
Now you probably want to visit these if you're interested in numbers, precision, and a lifetime of
sexual abstinence.
Both have their own neighbourhoods, of course.
I'd recommend the quantum district but just be aware they've got a bit of a thing for
murdering cats, whatever that's all about.
Maths has its own weird parts of town, P and NP who are kind of at war at the moment.
There's also Geometry Island which is basically just lines.
Several hours dive away is astronomy, but I'd give it a miss.
Bit of a black hole if you know what I mean.
Engineering is quite nice, but they haven't really contributed much recently though to
be honest, just.. bridges, dams, turbines.
Oh and planes obvously.
And rockets.
And space stations, petroleum,, motors, telecommunications, electronics,,
and the industrial revolution.
Let's be honest, bunch of lazy pricks.
If you have a bit of extra time, just over Humanities River is literature, take a walk
round the Russian neighbourhoods, their police department is excellent, everyone's obsessed
with Crime and Punishment.
The American district is all right too, the weather's pretty brutal during the day but
Tender is the Night, and the British section isn't bad but just don't go in with any great
expectations, eh?
Just a few miles east is History.
Now they're good people, but they do seem to hang onto the past a bit.
Jesus just let it go guys, all right.
Linguistics is currently off limits at the moment with an outbreak of irritable vowel
But West Chomsky is very nice, lovely gnomes.
A few miles away there's the gender studies waterfall.
They're usually quite pushy about everyone checking their sunscreen.
And their privilege.
Just over Sarkeesian canyon we find education
I'd be very careful about visiting unless you're a fan of incompetant idiot midgets.
I believe they're commonly referred to as children.
Psychology is an up and coming city, I'd recommend the Odeipus Rex district which is full of
milfs, Skinner Island, but just be sure to watch your behaviour, and the Milgram quarter,
but I'd avoid that one unless you want quite a shock.
And then there's there's sociology where everyone is so advanced that that they've stopped believing in
stupid old fashioned concepts like “proof”
Anthropology which is full of stalkers,
Theology, but Jesus Christ, those guys work religiously,
There's supposedly treasure buried somewhere.
I don't know.
I guess X Marx the spot
Medicine, where the local pastime is being sued for trying to help people
Communication studies is a nice little break, be sure to give it your full attention and have
a proper gander.
Law is lovely.
You can take a left at smallprint avenue, a right onto litigation street, straight up
matrimonial highway and yeah, by the time you reach the fountain you'll find yourself
bankcrupt and paying for your ex's lawyer.
Back over unemployable mountain, just past film studies I'd advise finishing off your
trip with a visit to the Performing Arts, where the inhabitants are lovely, by my god
do they make a song and dance of everything.
Now the geology of Academia is quite interesting.
There are undergraduates at the top,
Then a sub layer of postgrads who have been severely crushed by geological pressure.
And life,
And finally the PHDs and staff who exist in a constant state of stress and have been turned
into human magma.
You'll know you've reached this level when you notice something wet and soggy draining
out of your ear one day and realise it's your soul.
So if all that sounds up your street, why not visit academia yourself?
I only came to avoid getting a real job and I've been trapped here for 9 years.
Did I say trapped?
I meant, having a lovely time.
It's like prison but the sex isn't as regular.