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When you arrive in England, there should be a bus or train line you can catch
from the airport to your hotel.
Getting from one side of London to the other should cost you
no more than your entire life savings and firstborn child.
If possible try not to eat the food.
If you really must then your safest bet is battered swan, chicken pyramid, or tea pie,
which is a π with "T" in it.
English people split off from their human ancestors around a million years ago,
evolving into Homo Cynicus.
The English brain is divided into two hemispheres,
the left which produces feelings of shame and self-loathing,
and the right which produces feelings of shame and self-loathing
Please be aware that there are a number of differences between international English and British English.
The Chip is called a "Crisp".
The Trunk is called a "Boot".
And buying over 50 pounds worth of shopping
just to mask the fact
that where you went into the shop for is condoms
is called "Perfectly normal behaviour".
Try not to say anything directly to an English person but imply it instead.
For example whereas someone outside of England might remark "This literally tastes like excrement."
in England we would usually say "That was delicious, compliments to the chef."
Then returned to the restaurant several days later and burn it down without warning.
Also if you must express romantic feelings,
please do it either by text message or smoke signals,
as affection was made illegal in 1893.
And frankly we're all quite glad about that.
English families are among some of the most sophisticated in the world.
At the age of 18, the oldest male child of the family
is expected to fight his father to the death to gain control of the household.
It is permitted to use siblings and family pets as weaponry
If there's one thing we do well, it's the naming of our towns and cities.
And upon visiting England, you would be silly to miss such idyllic spots as
Grimsby, Skegness and Little Arsintgon.
English people socialize in a number of creative ways.
Mondays through Thursdays, we usually joust on horses,
or British jumbo cats.
Friday's we drink port, and look very intensely of pictures of award-winning film and theatre actress Rachel Weisz
Saturdays is for publicly executing people
who don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them.
And sundays is for walking our dogs
or looking at more pictures of award-winning film and theatre actress Rachel Wei--
If an English person appears upset
it's very important you insist they talk about their emotions.
There is nothing we love more than our deepest insecurities being forced out of us and made public
If at a party, try to force an English person into publicly speaking
or make them the center of attention somehow.
Guarantee they will pay you back in years to come with a gentle smile.
or a Molotov cocktail through your window at 3 in the morning :)
Sexual etiquette can sometimes be confusing to foreigners, but the process is rather simple:
Step 1, if you find someone attractive, it's very important you completely ignore or insult them.
Step 2, both parties will then drink at least 3 bottles of wine each, and the act of mating can commence.
Keep in mind however that the act of mating is only permitted once a year on the 6th February,
also known as Leg Over Day.
This is not to be confused with St. Fapius Day, which is quite a different event indeed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
The Act should be performed in absolute darkness,
and in extreme cases can last upwards of two and a half minutes.
At no point should be eye contact or enjoyment
Or the police may be summoned to the premises.
Once the act has concluded, both parties should then marry, and move into a shared castle.
though given the recent state of the economy, a potting shed is also acceptable.
The national dish of England is called
Beer.
Many people believe the majority of us spend our time eating cucumber sandwiches
and discussing literature.
While this is true, we've recently invented a number of other delightful pastimes,
such as football hooliganism, knife crime, and the British spider fighting championships.
The national sport of England is called Football.
Now, a lot of non-European seemed confused about the rules, so let's just clear this up, shall we.
There are 22 men. Now whoever gets the most goals wins.
But if the chaser gets the snitch then that's game over.
2 goals is called an Earl Grey,
3 is John Thomas, and Iceland can suck a fat one
England retained complete sovereignty throughout the years
And was at no point invaded and conquered repeatedly by the Roman, Vikings, Scottish or French.
It is a little known fact that the English actually invented a number of popular items today
Including the toothbrush, the jet engine, and the gallbladder.
Modern England was born in 1508 when Jonah Fuzzwasles defeated the Ollard Thrubwoballz
and decreed that from then on,
math will be spelt with an 's',
everyone would drive on the left,
and if someone buys you a round at the pub, it's not a gift.
You're expected to do the same for everyone at some point,
or you're being what we call in England "A right dick"
It rains a lot, but the people are all right.
I don't even live there anymore.
Goodbye.
plop.