The endless process of going to interview you hate for careers you don't want.
Interviewer: So, tell me a bit about yourself.
You: I am a people person.
Interviewer: And how do you think you will benefit the company?
You: I aM a PeOpLe PeRsOn.
Interviewer: I see, and tell me exactly why you would like to work for
Macgyver's Shit Sandwiches, Sandwiches Made of Authentic Human Shit.
You: [Deep beath] Well,
Bumping into someone from school and ask them what they do now.
And they say something like:" I am an architect, or a doctor,
or I can actually tie my shoelaces etc.
And they ask you what you do now.
And you spontaneously claim to be an astronaut,
or the Queen's personal funk advisor.
But what you've really been doing in the last three years is
Sitting in a dark room,
and eating pies.
or take time to be 'ALIVE'.
A sudden certainty after drinking large quantities of alcohol that you CAN fix your life.
And all you need to do is
Learn the guitar,
or buy a cattery,
and STOP flushing letters from the debt collection agency down the toilet without reading them.
Come on! Grow up!
A FXCKIN' SHREDDER!
The sudden and overwhelming conviction that there is NO caramel core to life.
And you'll probably spending your rest of days in a state of quiet confusion.
you've got loads of unopened pots of hot sauce in the fridge more than those take-away pizzas.
So things are looking up, baby! (/≧▽≦)/
This is a small creature who is invisible,
and starts whispering stuffs in your brain somewhere around the age of twenty-five.
Helpful comments to the effect of
"Aaaa, video game and pornography again.
Another successful Wednesday!
Dad is gonna be
REAL PROUD NOW!!!"
The nighty ritual of trying to sleep.
Just when you're about to thrift off, you suddenly recall every embarrassing thing you even did in high resolution.
I know you're tired, but remember when you wrote out that
short but anatomically specific rant about checking yourself for testicular lumps,
but you've opened the wrong window on your phone,
AND ACCIDENTALLY SEND IT TO YOUR ELDLY PIANO TEACHER?"
"Haha, good times!
It'S fiNe, sLEep nOw!
Survival of the Shittest
This is the principal that every time you look up bellends from high school,
you will inevitably find that they are now exceptionally rich and living fulfilling lives
and you will feel nothing but boundless good will towards them.
THE TOTAL CUN-
A few years ago you would've called these
But now they consist people you age gathering in a room
and attempting to look at you while they consume titanic volumes of alcohol
Occasionally, one of them will lean over you and whisper:
"D‘you know what the fckck you're doing with your life?"
And you reply:
"Not a clue."
And you both pretend that didn't happened.
This will be someone at the party who has read at least half a Wikipedia article on the chosen subjects
and will insist on hijacking said party to bang on about it.
And by golly, I hope you are interested in the miracle of Kombucha,
or the revolutionary tactics of Napoleonic military strategy.
because that's all you'll be FUCKING listening to now
The Great Decline
The nearer thirty gets,
the more it becomes apparent that your teenage body wasn't actually the default setting.
That was a temporary super power.
And now, for some reason,
pounding Schnitzerling chocolate cake will actually lead to weight gain
and trying to recreate the five day parties of yesteryear
may will threaten a cheeky touch of sudden death.
That's Very Interesting
A phrase you will catch yourself saying just over 14 thousand times a day,
since you're now over the age when telling people to fuck off will get you ostracized or fired
A unique brand of cooking you will developed from the comfort of your own kitchen, including:
A wrap with crisp in it,
Pot Noodle à l'orange,
and for dessert,
why not Half an oreo you found behind the fridge?
And maybe a spot of hysterical crying.
A noise that could mean yes or no
that you will make frequently in response to questions that you should know the answer to
but you are now too old to admit to not knowing.
So, what's your pension situation?
And what actually is a raisin?
And, how have you managed to live in your overdraft for the last twelve years now?
The Five Stages of Aging Grief
I'm not turning thirty.
There is NO WAY I'm turning thirty! (╯>д<)╯⁽˙³˙⁾
God? You listening? _(:з」∠)_
If you stop this from happening,
I'll stop writing love letters to Richard Dokins
and maybe entertain the idea that you actually exist.
Sometimes when you look into your thirties, your thirties is looking to you
And finally concluding in,
5. Denial (again)
FUCK THIS! I'm moving to Canada!
In occasion fantasy you have on a bus that if things get really bad,
well, you'll just move to Canada.
Because you could almost count to three in French
and you kinda always want to go to a Maple syrup bar with an elk.
The Rage Gaze
When you meet someone in their thirties, forties, or above,
and you bang on how old you are about to get in twenty-eight etc.
And they silently fix you with a stare that says:
"I would sell my eyeballs on Ebay to be as young as you again,
your ungrateful little shit muffin."
General look of underlying despair
which is a smile you can wear at all hours of the day
to signal that you've died inside several years ago now
but the rot hasn't quite reach your outer body yet.
And finally, Chucklet.
This is when your mother phones up to see about how everything is going,
and you know she desperately want to hear you say:
"Well, I'm finally settling down and I've decided to join society as a functional human being."
And instead you say:
"Yeah, I've been working on a poorly-constructed Youtube video
about words you might need to know in your twenties,
and I spend most of weekends trying to play trumpet with my bottom."
And she makes a small noise that sounds like
and mentions that maybe she will call back again next year
Mom: "Also don't forget that you've on the planet almost three decades now
and achieve literally nothing of worth.
Speak soon then! :)"
[Music, the good happy one]