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Oh hello, you're alive. Great, welcome to the world, have a seat because you can't walk yet.
You're gonna spend the next few years in the psychedelic world of colors
that make no sense but it's alright because you can pee yourself and somebody
will probably sort it out for you but don't get used to it, soon they'll be
expecting you to use the toilet, so make the most of it, and not long after that
you have to go to a building where they'll make you learn stuff and prove you know it like
times tables and the alphabet and whatnot.
Maybe you still think you are the center of the world and you can probably get
away with that for a while - some people do their entire lives - but eventually
you're going to start pissing other kids off so you probably gonna have to learn some
humility soon, too.
Got it? Good, all right. Then you're gonna go to another building where the tests are a
bit harder and the subjects are more intense. They try to teach you stuff like
trigonometry and iambic pentameter without ever actually explaining what you can use
it for but don't worry, just memorize it and spit it out and forget it the second
you walk out of the exam hall. By now you're probably getting weird urges to
do stuff to your classmates that you never really wanted to do before and now
you're gonna have to play a game for the rest of your life where you really
want this kind of closeness with people but sometimes not everybody feels
mutually, so you're going to have to hide it.
Welcome to the world of dating and body language and sex. Yeah, you're gonna like the
last one, it's going to dictate your life and most of the films you watch and
book you read for some time to come whether you realize it or not.
Oh you're finished spitting out all that rote memorization well great let's go
to university.
You need to if you want to earn lots of money which is obviously very important
because well, well it just is shut up!
Look, everyone's happy when they're rich. Pick a subject, not the humanities you idiot,
something real like law or maths. I didn't spent 18 years raising fucking philosophy major
cogito ergo broke all the time. Oh you finished? Great, well it's off to the
companies for you then. Tell them you're a people person and you have excellent
organizational skills and you work well in a team.
Don't mention your actual passions for landscape gardening or music, they don't give a
just come off as generic as possible, stick it out for about 30 years, you'll make
good money in time.
Only the sex thing is probably getting a little empty by now and you're craving
some kind of actual connection with the opposite sex or same sex if that's your thing.
Jesus, you thought getting people to take their clothes off is difficult, you try
finding a partner to fall in love with. And even then, what if they get bored or you
get bored or they go off with the milkman or something, well sorry you're just gonna
have to risk it like everyone else. Like life, actually.
Some people are dead by your age but you're not. No, you're still sad in a pit
of your own mediocrity feeling dull and stepped on by life, standing on a rock
that's spinning at 9,000 miles an hour around a gas giant in an infinite universe, a product of
13 billion years of cosmic evolution but no, no, definitely you carry on being
bored and feeling
like crap. And you now you feel worse because you know how great you should
feel about everything, amazed and happy all the time
and yet you still feel like shit. Well, that's biology. Well, maybe your friend's
getting rich or getting married or getting pregnant or something and you're poor and
single and maybe you don't want kids,
it doesn't matter what Carl Sagan says, you don't feel any sense of wonder
at all, you feel like shit,
you don't want eloquent prose about how beautiful the cosmos is you want money
to live comfortably or you want to be in love
and maybe you want children. Try books, there's quite a few dead guys who are willing to
claim they can explain what you're doing here and how you can be happy but loads of
them just contradict each other and to be honest it all comes down to you.
You're going to have to decide whether you believe in God or want to eat meat
or support abortion or feel that life has intrinsic meaning and whatever you
do people, will shit on your opinions and tell you you're delusional.
Sorry, it's a game with no winners. And now you're old and maybe you've got
money and maybe you haven't, same with a partner and child, and now you're two
steps from death and you spend a lot of time thinking about what you could have done
and Jennifer Smith in the fields behind your parents' house when you were both 17
and how you should've said I love you
and instead you said look I'm sorry I'm just not in the best place right now,
come on, it's getting cold.
Well, no use thinking about it now. Jennifer is probably old and doddery just like you
are. Not much time left.
Well, I guess i'll just do it all again differently the next time.
Oh, there - there isn't a next time? Oh that - that was it?
Shit, I'd wish I had known because if I'd known that this was the one chance I
have to live as a talking monkey in space at the best point in history as
the smartest species on the planet
using fucking magic on a daily basis like the internet and jet planes and
smartphones with access to all human knowledge at my fingertips and the
chance to talk about how cool being alive is I might have not worried so much
about what other people thought and their shitty lives, and I might have just spent what little
time there was making good art or doing good science or falling in love or
just not being a dick.
Oh well, if only I'd known. Which I did but i just don't really want to think
about it.
Oh humm, so it goes.