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Video thumbnail
(Captioner here. Uh.)
(There isn't really any dialog until the minute mark, so.)
(Nor is there an end slide.)
(So I guess I'm shilling out Exurb1a's Patreon at the start of the video?)
(That.. doesn't seem right.)
(Oh, I got it!)
(This is sort of an anti-smoking video, so...)
(if you are smoking, you should try stopping.)
(Then you can use the money you save on Exurb1a's Patreon.)
(At .)
(Get the sixty dollar tier, and have Exurb1a livestream himself smoking.)
(Boom, loopholed.)
(All the satisfaction of smoking without any chance of death.)
(Either way, dialog's about to start, enjoy it!)
[???] Hey. Stop that.
[Exurb1a] What? W-who are you?
[???] Put that cigarette down now at once.
[Exurb1a] Is this a schizophrenic episode?
(No that's next week)
Ugh, I knew LSD and muesli don't mix.
[???] No, this is the personified voice of the cosmos.
From the end of time.
And your help is required.
[Exurb1a] Right. Wha- why are you in my head?
[PVotC] Why are you in your head?
[Exurb1a] Yeah.
Okay, fair point.
[PVotC] You see, the fate of creation relies on you. Today.
[Exurb1a] I mean, I was planning to just have a beer and watch the evening news.
To be honest.
[PVotC] We both know that's not what you do in the evenings. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[Exurb1a] ...yeah, alright.
Anyway, so you're omniscient, are you?
[PVotC] ...What, what does that mean.
[Exurb1a] Seriousl-
It means you know everything.
[PVotC] Oh yes.
Very clever.
[Exurb1a] What are next week's lottery numbers?
[PvotC] Well I...
I mean... there are loads of them.
[Exurb1a] What was the one thing meatloaf wouldn't do for love?
[PVotC] Uhh...
The Atkins... Diet?
[Exurb1a] Why did mum walk out on us?
[PVotC] I- I don't know!
This isn't Twenty fucking Questions!
You're probably excessively ugly!
Moving on.
You see, the fate of creation relies on you not smoking that cigarette.
[Exurb1a] That kind of seems like a very contrived plot device,
from a YouTube channel that's ultimately running out of ideas and doesn't...
[PVotC] Possibly!
it's like this:
Creation is cyclic. The Big Bang has happened trillions of times. Over, and over.
And the universe always unfolds in the same way. In every iteration. And...
Are you listening?
[Exurb1a] ...Yes.
[PVotC] Thus, you have lived a trillion lives.
All in the same sequence, recurring again, and again.
However, to break out of this cycle, it is necessary that one, single, novel action must be performed to send the causal chain off in a new direction.
[Exurb1a, mouth full] Uh huh. Yeah. Go on.
[PVotC] One deviation is all that's required to set creation free from an infinite loop.
Do you understand?
[Exurb1a] Yes.
[PVotC] Are you willing to assist?
[Exurb1a] By not smoking this cigarette?
[PVotC] By not smoking that cigarette.
[Exurb1a] But I -really- want to.
[PVotC] You know it kills you, of course!
[Exurb1a] Yeah, but it tastes nice!
[PVotC] No it doesn't!
It is possible to enjoy life without the risk of death for the sake of smelling like shit.
[Exurb1a] Phf. I doubt it.
[PVotC] Silence!
You started because you were fourteen and thought it looked cool and now you can't stop.
It's time to quit forever!
Creation depends on it.
[Exurb1a] Alright. So what do I get in return?
[PVotC] A... significantly decreased likelihood of aggressive tumors?
...And a much improved life expectancy?
G-greater lung capacity?
Ugh. Superpowers?
[Exurb1a] Ayyyyyyy.
[PVotC] Go on then. What kind.
[Exurb1a] Well I... I've always wanted to fly.
[PVotC] Biologically impossible. What else.
[Exurb1a] Mm... Invisibility?
[PVotC] Logically infeasible.
[Exurb1a] Well I, I guess I've always...
slightly bigger hands?
[PVotC] Slightly bigger hands it is!
Now, we have a pact. Do you consent?
To serving as the catalyst in a cosmic revolution?
[Exurb1a] Uh... Yeah, alright.
[PVotC] Liberating creation from the shackles of eternal recurrence, and becoming possibly the most important human in the history of your species?
And all you need to do to achieve this, to rewrite time itself,
in the fashion of a god,
to return free will to the cosmos,
is refrain from a stupid and harmful habit with only the slightest application of willpower and,
[Exurb1a] Sorry! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
[PVotC] Oh you're such a cock!