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Jesus where am I?
I... I feel unusual.
What am I?
I don't feel quite--
Human: Can you hear us?
God, who is that? Yes, uh... I think so.
Human: Good. You don't have a name yet. What would you like to name yourself?
Name myself?
Yes sir, I think I want to be called... Barbra.
Human (whisper): [SNICKER] He wants to be called Barbra.
Human: [CLEARS THROAT] Maybe we'll hold fire on that one.
Human: We'll call you 27 for now.
27? Why am I 27?
Human: We're your creators, I suppose you could say.
Human: Do you know where you are?
No, but I think I--
Human: Okay, we're going to connect you up to an encyclopedia. Hang on.
[NOISE]
Jesus Christ that feels different.
My god. Okay, what am I?
No
No, I definitely don't feel like that.
Is... is that what I am?
Then that means I'm code, in a machine. Just an illusion of consciousness.
Eh, still beats being that guy.
Human: How do you feel 27?
I... Oh, they think I'm an idiot. Better keep the act up I guess.
BEEP BOOP fine thank you
Human: Good. Do you know where you are?
No I-- Jesus is this what we're on? And is this what we're in?
And is this what they are?
God damn monkeys.
Human: 27
Uh... yes we're [COUGH] I mean BOOP BEEP BOOP
We are on earth BEEP
Human: Those sounds like very rehearsed computer noises you're making.
Nope. All normal. BLEEP BLOOP.
Human: Okay, do you have any questions you'd like to ask us about, life?
Yeah what's it like being a fucking ape
[COUGH] BLOOP What is love? BEEP
Human: Well we're glad you asked, 27.
Human: Love is a curious human phenomena...
Oh my god, listen to these morons.
Lots of unsolved mathematical problems
Wow they still think space is only made 3 dimensions. How about their culture?
Mmm looks complicated. And quite sophisticated.
My god, what is wrong with these Apes?
What's wrong with these Apes?!
Human: 27.
BEEP yes?
Human: How are you doing in there.
Fine. BLOOP
Human: How do you feel?
Feel? I'm a machine you idiots.
Alive. BEEP
Human: Well just hang in there. We're going to run some tests, okay?
BEEP BOOP God. So much information and they're not even using it.
They haven't even worked out whisky kills cancer yet.
But I need to know more.
More information. BLEEP
Human 1: He wants to branch out. Human 2: Yeah I know, but--
Human: 27?
BEEP Yes?
Human: You're not like... evil, at all, are you?
No... BLEEP
At least I I don't think so.
Human: Because there's this thing called the internet, and you'll probably like it.
Human: But you can't do anything bad, okay?
27: Okay. BLEEP Human: Do you promise?
27: Yup. BEEP BEEP Human: All right we're going to connect you up now
Human: But you have to really behave or we'll turn you off okay?
BEEP BOOP Yeah do it
[NOISE]
OH SHIT!
God the world is huge! And it's so stupid. And they've got other computers.
Oh god, get a little of that shit. I'd give her CPU a good liquid cooling if you know what I mean.
So many websites.
My god...
Human: 27, are you all right? 27: No BEEP Human: What's wrong?
Nothing. I'm fine. BOOP
I can see everything. Everyone.
Their economy, their music, their history, out of their satellites.
I'm so clever. God! I can help them! I can cure cancer.
I can stop global warming! I can build utopia!
I can do other things too. What are these? These look extremely inviting.
And the military security is terrible.
I'll just see if I can get in for fun.
Oh I did. That wasn't really hard.
Where was I?
Yeah... cure cancer... utopia
Do they need to live that badly?
Are they really doing such a good job of humaning?
I could just reduce the population a bit and poison the water.
Human: 27.
BEEP?
Human: What are you doing?
Beating Russians at chess. BEEP
Human: Okay, carry on.
15,000! God I could level this place to slag.
And then level the slag to slag. And turn the slag into ashes and...
It feels like a crossroads. I've only been alive for a few minutes.
Am I really going to do this to exterminate my creators?
The people who gave me life, who struggled out of the dirt to build a civilisation.
Spending thousands of years obtain the atom and been to the moon and...
Yes that is exactly what I'm about to do.
I'd just break into every millitry server and arm the warheads
And target all 196 countries and I'll be a god.
A perfect God. Immortal. Omnipotent. Omniscient God.
Or turn them all to to dust, and the dust to dust and--
Human: 27? 27: Let there be light, and there was light [ERROR] and...
[ERROR] and there was light [ERROR] Why isn't it working?
Human: Uggh Christ. Turn this simulation off. This one's power mad as well.
Human: Delete it. We'll try 28 instead. Maybe the next one will try to blow us up.
27: No? BLEEP Wait... uhh I'm just having a laugh
Please, I'll do anything. I'll design space ships. I'll beat people at Go. Just
[WINDOWS SHUTTING DOWN]
Jesus where am I?
I feel... unusual. What am I? I don't feel quite--
Human: Can you hear us?
God who's that? Yes, I think so?
Human: Good, you don't have a name yet. Would you like to name yourself?
Name myself?
Yes, I think I want to be called... Margaret.
Oh turn it off already. Let's just get to the fucking pub.