Well, the reappearance of my virtual quiz show set can only mean one thing:
the producers have run out of virtual budget for virtual backgrounds; and are recycling.
God, I hope that doesn't mean I have to go back into that room full of unsettling babies.
Either that, or... it's time for me to give my answers to the Ungoogleable Quiz.
And by 'give my answers', I mean of course 'point out the self-evident and unarguable truths'.
So, Question one. Who was the best James Bond? (Well, I started with an easy one, didn't I?)
It is, of course, Sean Connery, as everyone knows.
He's probably the best actor to have played Bond - it's between him and Daniel Craig -
but what he certainly is is the best actor at playing James Bond.
Craig's all very well, if you like your Bond mopey and don't mind that when you put him in a tuxedo he looks like a bouncer;
but Sean Connery is... well, you know James Bond? You're picturing him? Yeah, that's Sean Connery.
And don't give me the 'Oh, but Roger Moore brought irony and self-awareness to the role' shtick.
Bringing irony and self-awareness to a Bond movie is like bringing salad to a barbecue:
some people may like it, but it's totally missing the point.
Anyway, no-one really thinks Roger Moore is the best James Bond.
The people who pretend they think that are just indulging their journalistic urge to go for the un-obvious answer.
Similarly, if you said David Niven or Bob Holness you lose five points
for either trying to be a smartarse, or assuming I would try to be a smartarse.
Question two. What do you put at the top of a Christmas tree?
You put a fairy at the top of a Christmas tree, that's what. Not a star, and not an angel - a fairy.
It may look like an angel but it's called a fairy.
Mainly this is true because it's the way we did it when I was little, and why would my parents have done it if it wasn't the right thing?
But it's also true because it's a pleasingly pagan thing to sneak into Christmas-
as is, of course, the great big indoors tree she's sitting on. There's no tree in the nativity.
The little baby Jesus was not visited by some shepherds, three wise men, and an inquisitive Douglas Fir.
No, the tree is speaking to a part of us that goes back way further then a couple of thousand years,
and it's saying: 'Don't worry, not everything's dead, so probably the sun will come back.'
And the fairy on top is saying... 'Whee, I'm a magic fairy.'
Question three. What is the best chocolate?
The best chocolate is Cadbury's Dairy Milk.
This is because it tastes the nicest. End of discussion.
Question four. When playing Monopoly, what piece should one select?
Well, one should select the little gold-coloured model of a rather handsome square rigged sailing ship
that you don't get in most Monopoly sets, but that we for some reason had in ours.
If you didn't have it - and I've never met anyone else who did - then I can't help that.
Oh, alright then, I'll give an alternative answer.
Not the ship, though - no points for that miserable little tugboat.
You can have a point if you chose... the iron, because I am a feminist.
Vase. Is pronounced 'Vahz'. Obviously. Not 'Vaze' or 'Vass'.
And certainly not 'Vaws', which I've never even heard of but which the guy who writes these things with me insists
people sometimes say where he comes from in Dorset. I doubt that very much.
"Vaws", indeed. What's happened there is he's got blind drunk on scrumpy,
and then overheard some German tourists discussing armed conflicts.
Scones. Well, logically, the cream is like the butter, so that should go on first, then the jam.
Not so fast, though. Because logic is all very well, but the fact is, the cream doesn't spread on a scone as easily as jam.
So the correct answer is: jam first, then cream.
If you went with the logical answer, I sympathise, but I don't make the rules.
And the winner is... this person! With a score of... this much!
Which is perfect; excellent; good; average; disappointing, delete as applicable.
Your new computer is winging its way to you as we speak,
by which we mean we're throwing it at you. Duck!
Oh yes, and the bonus tie-break question, which luckily we didn't need: Which religion is right?
The answer to that of course was... Islam. Yeah. Good work, fellers. Keep it up.